Tonight was like many other fortnightly nights. We have Matt’s kids and we go to family dinner. It’s been the same for a long long time. The main change tonight was that family dinner was at Adam and Leigh’s instead of at Greg and Juliann’s, and it was Aidan’s 20th Birthday.
As we sat around the big table at Adam and Leigh’s house tonight, listening to music (including Halsey’s cover of “Love Yourself” by Justin Beiber and “Fresh Eyes” – both songs that played at Sarah’s funeral) it felt… like healing.
Like we can finally begin this process we’ve all been waiting on for so long (over two and a half years!) and that while Sarah’s gone, she’s definitely not forgotten – and dare I say it, but I felt her spirit there tonight. In the laughter, in the music, in the jokes…
I guess it’s one thing to wait and wait and wait, and know that you can start that ‘moving forward’ process once you’ve gotten your closure. And there are so many different types of closure. The funeral was a big one, and this trial being over with is another one. The sentencing will no doubt be a third. But in our case, the trial being done, Paul being found guilty… it’s such a relief. And it’s taken days to start processing that we don’t have this hanging over our heads anymore, and that we can start to move forward. And for me, tonight felt like healing. I said as we were leaving to Greg “We needed this.” and he agreed. And we did. We needed something to kick start our healing process and that’s exactly what we did tonight, I think. There will be some sore heads in the morning I suspect, but I think the burden that we all carried in our hearts will be just a little bit lighter. It will -never- go away. But now, we can bear it just a little bit better, feel a bit stronger, and breathe just that little bit easier.
Hah, I’m terrible at this one a day stuff sometimes! I get so tired after work, and then I have raids, and then I’m like ‘let me relax a bit’ and next thing I know I’m in bed.
For those not in the know, Raiding is killing internet dragons with my crew Premature Heroism in World of Warcraft. Three nights a week (Mon, Wed, Thurs) from 6pm to 8pm we sit down and chat and focus on killing pixels for more pixels of loot and to make our characters look awesome. I’ll post some pics of my Shaman sometime. I love her.
But, I digress.
I’ve been so bad the past couple of days, and for that I’m so sorry – you’re only really getting half a post today as well.
I’m pretty tired, mentally and physically. Monday was a lot worse than I thought it would be and the world I think was conspiring to break me.
So I took Tuesday off and wrapped myself in a burrito blanket and ignored the rest of the world.
It helped, a little. I’m in the process of getting in to see a counsellor through my work’s Employee Assistance Program which will help the feelings of despair, guilt, anger etc that I’m feeling.
I think I was so focused on getting through things. Christmas. The tattoo. New Year. The Funeral. The birthday. That I didn’t think about myself very much and now that I have time, I’m a bit more crumbly around the edges than I thought.
There are many kinds of strength, however. This, being able to admit that you’re falling apart at the seams and that you need to spend some time to stitch yourself back together? That’s strength of a kind.
So, short post tonight. But I’ll give you another chapter of the Air Book as I’ve been calling it probably tomorrow with Marcus and Alana and Sam and Kai and all that sort of good stuff. If you want to see more of them, let me know please! It was an idea I had, I spent a lot of time fleshing it out and really, I like the idea of Elementals (but only if I get to be the Water Elemental, hah!).
Much love and light y’all! ❤
Everything we do has stages. Our life, our thoughts, our emotions – they all have individual stages to them. Today, we’ve finished another ‘stage’ and the crushing finality of it is haunting and painful all at once.
For those keeping count it’s been five weeks since the world as we knew it ended and we had to start asking things like Why? and What do we do now? And How could this happen? And I know there’s a lot of us who have run the gamut of emotions in this whole time.
I equal parts dreaded and couldn’t wait for this day to come – I’m no longer working on the shift roster and starting Monday I go back to normal hours! No more 11 hour days, woo hoo!
Last night between 2:30 and 3:30am, I wrote a letter to Sarah as it’s been four weeks. I know a lot of what I’ve written lately has been about what’s happened, and for some folks who may be reading this, it’s like picking at a scab. For me, it’s therapy, and helps me deal with my emotions and how I feel about this – so I apologize if I’m ripping your scabs open on a fairly frequent basis. (How gross is that, picking at scabs… hah!)
I’m not overly demonstrative. When I love though, I love fully and deeply… still waters run deep and all that. I’m pretty true to my Scorpio heritage in that aspect. And the emotional trauma that my whole family has been dealing with in the past month… well, this is my way of dealing with it. I hope you understand. Much love to everyone. ❤
Taking a break from some fiction tonight t talk about what happened today… and to post a little about inner strength. Working nights is both a blessing and a curse. It gives my mind the chance to wander and be free and create create create! But it’s also quiet, and sometimes I don’t do too well with quiet, especially in light of the more recent events in my life.
The one notable exception is on Sunday nights when the security guards turn on one of the local radio stations and then go around to every room in the building to make sure that the speakers can be heard from. That always makes me giggle a bit.