Everything we do has stages. Our life, our thoughts, our emotions – they all have individual stages to them. Today, we’ve finished another ‘stage’ and the crushing finality of it is haunting and painful all at once.
For those keeping count it’s been five weeks since the world as we knew it ended and we had to start asking things like Why? and What do we do now? And How could this happen? And I know there’s a lot of us who have run the gamut of emotions in this whole time.
There are good days and bad days. For some folks yesterday was a really bad day. For some it was Sunday, or will be tomorrow.
I’m in the Sunday camp.
We finished cleaning out Sarah’s house tonight. The majority of it was done on Sunday, and approaching her house and walking in the garage, I wanted to turn around and run away. Tell everyone that no, I wouldn’t take part in this… but that’s quite silly. It had to be done.
Furniture, dishes, mementos, clothing… it all had to be moved out so the house could be cleaned and the keys handed back in. The hardest question I faced that day was any time someone said “Do you think you want xxxxx?”
What’s the right answer to that? No, I don’t want it. It should still be with Sarah, in Sarah’s house while she’s still here, for fuck’s sake. I’m not a scavenger. But, I don’t want it going to someone else either… I don’t want some STRANGER putting their hands on her stuff and it being in their house. And in the end, a good portion of it will be going to strangers. We donated 10 bags worth of clothing, shoes and handbags because she loved those things. We couldn’t wear them, or they weren’t really our style, and how many handbags does a woman really NEED anyway? (I know some of you would say “There’s never enough :P)
The dishes were all practically brand new. Well loved pots and pans that had been rescued are still here but none of us really need more dishes or tables or towels or just stuff. That’s all this is… one person’s STUFF, now divided amongst four different households as we try and come to grips with the person who owned that stuff being gone now.
The kids stuff, all went with the kids.
Tonight the last of it left the house, and the house is what it was before she moved in, a shell. Our voices echoed throughout as we discussed what was happening or what we were doing or what still needed to be done. Every time one of our voices echoed, every time I looked around the house as I dusted and watched Matt sweep the floors and watched Emma wipe things down, the pain in my heart was magnified.
As I said, my bad days come and go. Matt’s, and Emma’s, and Adam and Leigh and Mum and Dad, the kids, Sarah’s friends… we all have our bad days. And yet we persist because we know in our hearts that’s what she would’ve wanted us to do. She would want us to continue to live our lives and be beautiful and wonderful and fantastic and everything that she didn’t just try to be, but that she was.
Speaking of the kids…
I suppose to those who have been reading this, it comes as no surprise that I’m the one who had written all the GoFundMe posts. I don’t have access to the computer right now to update it, but I do want to thank everyone still. We’re using what is left of that to help with the kids now, and if you still want to donate for that, please feel free. https://www.gofundme.com/memorial-fund-for-sarah-thomas.
Bright Blessings ❤